Blog / 2026 / How to Use “They” When It Doesn’t Come Naturally to You

Does using “they” to refer to a single person make you wince a bit? Not because you don’t want to respect each individual’s right to define themself, but because the “they” feels grammatically incorrect?

The solution is simple: start using “they” to refer to all kinds of people.

Maybe you’re telling a friend about someone you had a brief encounter with—a person in line at the grocery store or a random human on the train or on the trail. Use “they” to refer to the stranger, and call them a “person” or a “human.” Avoid specifying their gender even if it seemed obvious to you that they were a woman or a man. Remember: you don’t actually know how the stranger identifies since you barely know anything about them at all.

The more you de-gender your everyday language, the more you’ll notice just how often the binary asserts itself in your speech.

This hyena wants you to know that it’s never your job to correctly guess someone else’s gender. And that’s doubly true if you think you can tell what sex a person is, because the terms “sex” and “gender” aren’t interchangeable.

“Sex” is a scientific term. The sex of a person—or a hyena—is defined by their gametes, AKA the ova or sperm. In most species, a large reproductive cell means the individual is female, and small one means male.

Meanwhile the gender of an individual, human or otherwise, is a whole other story.

For example, this is a female spotted hyena and, in this species, females dominate the pack. Please note the genitals that resemble a male’s—you can see it further up in the animation of the process photos. Though this kind of organ tends to make both mating with males and childbirth complicated for female spotted hyenas, this genitalia persists, generation after generation, because, for spotted hyenas, penises are used socially, with one individual’s erection signifying submission to another individual.

Humans probably won’t ever know how hyenas understand gender. Most of us are stuck in a Disney-ified concept of these creatures, seeing them as stupid and greedy, so wishing for insight into how these animals see themselves feels far out of reach. But my hope is like the female hyena’s penis: it persists, seemingly against all odds.

You can learn more about the complexity of the natural world, especially as it relates to gender and sex, through my book Crime Against Nature.

Get the book!

It’s available as a free download, but the hardcover version of the book also makes an excellent holiday gift for all your favorite hyenas—er, humans.